I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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