i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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