i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
