the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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