i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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