I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
