if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
