My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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