Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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