dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
