We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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