she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
