dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
