someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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