Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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