I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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