If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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