dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
