last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
