y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
