In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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