I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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