Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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