You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
