Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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