the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
