The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
