Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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