Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
