btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
