i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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