That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
this boner is exhausting
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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