i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
