I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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