Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
