yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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