Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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