Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
3 2 1 whiskey
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
