we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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