That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
