I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
