Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
