he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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