omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
