Define "chronic" masturbator.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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