I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
