peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I will be naked everywhere
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
