is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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