When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
