Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
