i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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