I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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