My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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