Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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